What Goes On...?

There are times when memories and past events seem so distant and yet others when hot tears spring to my eyes at the thought of even the most insignificant event...as I turned 18 a few days ago, a thought loomed large in the dark recesses of my mind...my childhood has been everything I could have asked for then why does the future seem so bleak?? I've heard people say that a healthy childhood secures a healthy future, then why do I feel like I'm about to jump off a cliff and plummet into a black hole? I don't know where my life's headed or where I want to go...I'm confused about my feelings...I can feel my confusion...the candle that had illuminated the path ahead for 18yrs seems to have suddenly turned rebellious and gone out...what do I really want from my life?? I know I want to be creative but sometimes I find it very hard...I want to hold on to the familiar ever so tightly but the strangeness ahead beckons me...I want to smell the smells of bygone days but these aromas elude me...I want to hear familiarity speak but only the unfamiliar entices me...I'm a confused soul looking for meaning...in relationships, in sorrow, in parting, in tears, in rebellion, in faith, in memories, in life itself...who controls me? who will light the way when I'm far from security? Will I finally come into my own and mould my life as i will? so many questions fogging my brain...and the answers...refusing to surface from amid the turmoil...